Relationship Circles
“Omg… your relationship status changed”
People can be fatiguing.
The old joke of “business (or anything) is easy until you get people involved” is terribly true.
At this point in my writing, I am sitting on another airplane surrounded by… you guessed it… people. Now before you go calling me an anti-social maniac please allow me to clarify my feelings.
I’m big on authenticity. Not just authentic people but authentic everything.
I like nice things and rarely go for quantity over quality.
I love authentic Mediterranean cuisine - not Sabra hummus and Stacy’s Pita Chips.
I like nice shoes. I don’t buy 8 pairs of $20 shoes but instead wait to buy 1 pair of $160 shoes.
And as you can probably guess, I love authentic people.
Transparency and authenticity
I mentioned in a previous post about a lesson that I learned from my dad.
I’ve since learned and valued another lesson from him which I suppose shows me either getting older, more sentimental, or both.
My dad has never had the loudest personality in the room. He rarely speaks before he listens and was also sure to remind us of this while we were growing up.
While my dad doesn’t have swaths of friends he does value his relationships as many have been longstanding for decades (shout out to Meathead Tim).
I didn’t realize I operated the same way until I graduated from high school. My university years were not spent cultivating short-term friendships with 100’s of people but rather building long-lasting relationships.
I fully understand that I am not a highly outgoing person but I take care in limiting the percentage of life that I share with everyone.
I’ve never enjoyed playing poker but I do apply a simple card game principle to my life - I keep my cards very close to my chest.
Not everyone needs to know everything about me. Frankly, not everyone needs to know even 30% about me. I make no effort to be unfriendly in this approach but rather establish a healthy boundary level with people in my life.
The growing digital footprint craze has caused each of us to share so much while then also trying to paint a perfect picture of ourselves. This in turn creates a perpetual cycle of dissatisfaction leading to additional inauthenticity leading to more incongruent transparency (exhale).
I’m passing no judgment on anyone but simply highlighting a concerning trend.
Don’t worry, I’m right there with you when it comes to playing the comparison game.
My own circular standard
My wife will tell you that I can sometimes be a bit blunt.
Blunt with my words, feelings, thoughts, and opinions.
My bluntness is sometimes misrepresented as I really do not enjoy conveying negativity toward people. I rather have an occasionally unhealthy desire for accuracy.
This borderline obsession with accuracy forces me to group everyone in my life into various circles surrounding me. I require this practice of myself because my obsession with accuracy can paralyze me into thinking that I’ll look foolish or stupid in front of others. The closer your are to me (relationally speaking) then the more of me you will get.
I won’t waste your time discussing the obviously closest circles around me (i.e. my wife, my children, or family members) but rather my extended circles.
Valued Friends
My friend, Marcus, has been my best friend since we were 6 years old - nearly 30 years in the making. Marcus knows an awful lot about me. A lot of good, a lot of bad, and a lot of things I probably wish he didn’t know. He was the best man at my wedding and the first friend who learned about the birth of my children. He’s family to me.
While Marcus is the closest of all my friends I put him in the family circle in my life. Longevity and immense trust is the foundation of our relationship.
I do however have another small but solid group of people that I consider incredibly valuable friends. I’ve known some for over 10 years. I’ve known others for less than 5 years. But they know much about my life and the many details encompassing it.
I’m convinced that friendships like these cannot be built out of random occurrence. There’s perhaps a spiritual or divine element behind them. If you’re not a believer in anything spiritual then perhaps you attribute this to luck.
For whatever it is worth to you there always seems to be a larger or higher reason to these relationships. They render themselves consistently mutually beneficial on a social gratification level but will render themselves invaluable in life’s darkest days.
Associates
I recently took inventory on this and realized that I actually know a lot more people than I thought I did.
I’m grateful to have expanded my network from Southeast Michigan to Dallas-Fort Worth, South Louisiana, East Tennessee, Southern California, as well as other places across the globe. These tiny clusters of people are of great value to me. I can only hope I am of great value to them.
For me, these relationships grow and evolve over time. At some points, then even stop growing and temporarily whither away. There are some that cause me to ponder about their purpose.
Will they grow into profitable business partnerships?
Will this person become a dear friend of my family?
Can this individual be a mentor figure to me?
Are they wondering these things about me?
My associates circle is so fluid that I am forced to be intentional with it.
My friend, Curt, and I were just discussing this. The need to be intentional with others and even schedule time on the calendar to interface.
Our digital world has made it equal parts easy and difficult to keep up this intentionality. It’s easy to “jump on a call” with someone to check-in but I’m still a believer that face-to-face interaction is the water to grow these relationships.
Colleagues
The people who work both with me and for me have all heard at one point me say the following: “You guys don’t know much about me.”
There are less than 5 instances where I have intentionally crossed the friend/colleague line. I find the “work friends” category a very dangerous standard to set in one’s life. Can you be confident that you decision making abilities will not be impaired or skewed through how you value your friendship with another?
For me it’s a tough balance of being open enough and completely closed off. A colleague recently reminded me of this. They let me know that others can see my incredibly private nature to be intimidating to the members of the organization for which I lead.
I have no desire for others to think I am on a sociopathic power trip.
Mentors
We all need an advisor.
An individual who will present unbiased advice or guidance through the highs and lows of life.
It’s easy to desire the words of a mentor in the difficult times of life but it’s even more valuable in the good times.
For me, I love the consultative voices in my life as they can be a guide in both the short-term and long-term matters that I encounter. As I mentioned above, the need for this in my personal life during the best of times is truly invaluable.
I’ve personally arrived to a point in my where a couple of individuals lean on me for council. I’ve found the only way I can reliably communicate effective guidance to them is if I am NOT engaged as a consistent friend in their life. I sincerely desire success in their lives and my words to them can be honest only if I am unafraid of communicating the truth. The truth in a polite way - but still the truth.
Friendlies
I previously alluded to the fact that I do not have a large number of friends. But I do have a notable number of individuals that I am friendly with through my various circles.
This is a group of people that I have developed a definite positive relationship with. At times, we do not have a tremendous amount of shared business interests but I nearly always enjoy their company.
The more I think about this group the more I find myself thinking how strangely bizarre this circle is for me. I suppose this fills my occasional need for human interaction in a less formalized manner.
The people in this group share a common thread - I am genuinely interested in them as people and less interested in what they can offer in a colleague or mentor figure sense. We haven’t yet established a close relationship therefore a portion of my privacy wall is still up but I see definite potential in a long-term relationship with them.
The most notable curiosity I have with these people simply comes down to what the future may hold.
Will this relationship result in a strong friendship based on interpersonal trust?
Will a common business thread be found resulting in a connection based on shared profitability?
Perhaps they will overcome a significant challenge in their life and I will find future value in their journey of perseverance.
Why I hold true to this approach
The more my life demands of me the more I know I have to be intentional with my relationships.
Above I joked about how people can be fatiguing - this is certainly true. But I do find so much benefit in the the various circles of people in my life.
Some of best relationships in my life are part of a fluid nature of people in my circles.
My business partner shifted from friendly associate to colleague.
This relationship has not only benefited me in a financial success sense but also his value to me as a friend is immense. It warms my heard to know that he and I have been able to carefully navigate the dangerous evolution of evolving from friends to business partners.
I’ve also seen the regression of relationships in my life as well.
Individuals going from friends to far off associates in my life - I suppose it’s simply part of life’s natural progression.
The pragmatic approach to my own circular standard allows my slightly introverted self to develop relationships. I’m married with 2 children and have a ton of professional demand on my plate.
I choose to not make time for regular networking events nor do I consider myself the life of any party.
I have found peace with this as I am confident with presenting my true and authentic self to anyone despite what relationship circle they sit within.
I think this is especially key for anyone who carries a similar demeanor such as myself.
Be confident and strong with who you are.
Be willing to take inventory of your networks and properly organize people into their proper place.
Embrace the natural progression AND regression of people in your life.
Above all, be willing to grow and learn from others - no matter where someone sits in your circles.